Even at the ripe age of 17, I find myself thinking ''What the hell am I doing with my life?''
This is due to a combination of external and internal factors. The external routing from school, parents, friends, etc - and the internal being from my own mind (duh). Young people are constantly told to question. Question their life choices, their identity, their abilities and question most of all, whether their contribution to life is somehow valid. This is all an attempt at making sure we are on the glorious path to 'success'. This isn't really a good thing for us.
People don't follow the paths they want to in fear it's not accepted as others - or not the right contribution to society, or whatever that means. So someone won't pursue dancing, for example, for fear it's not a solid career. People won't dye their hair a vibrant colour - something like bright teal - incase people judge them for it, or because they won't get employed, or they won't seem 'approachable'. Or whatever.
Another thing which drives us to question is the fact we are compared so much. Our lives are compared, constantly. Whichever young person is the archetypal angel, whoever they are, be like them. And if you are not like them, you better think long hard hard why not, boy.
I've sort of plagued myself with this constant existential crisis which makes me worry about all the things I do. I've actually found I'm in a position where I put way more pressure on myself then my school and parents do combined. From my school subjects, to my friendship group, to my wardrobe choices - I always question whether they are beneficial, and the right choices to make. Which I think can be a positive thing in ways.
In this year I've had to make some choices to simply let people go. Not because I dislike them - or even that they are toxic people - just because it was the correct thing to do. Friendships are formed really easily, but maintaining them isn't. If you know the friendship isn't really working in reality, it's best to just let it go. If I hadn't over thought this, however, I would still be desperately trying to latch myself onto people, and I wouldn't have made the decisions I ha, so I am grateful for this weird trait of mine.
The centre of your questioning shouldn't just be stopped at your own experiences, of course. It's good and very healthy to question things. I'm a firm believer in questioning. Question gender, question science, religion, education systems, politics. But don't forget that it's not always going to help you - particularity when it comes to your own life. You need to enforce a system of confidence and solidarity, you need to have the believe that not everything you do needs questioning, otherwise you will just lose your sanity. And you certainly won't find the answers you are looking for.
I am now at the stage where I will be finishing high school and moving onto higher education. The process is daunting, scary, and nerve wrecking. It's make or break. Everything we do now, will determine the next couple of years and how we will spend them. I'm lucky, or at least I think I am, because I've always known the field I want to go into. I've been interesting in writing, literally for as long as I can remember. Now as I've got older, there are numerous different media related things I've become interested in - TV, Films, Publishing, Social debate, Theatre. So it should be easy, right? Just pick a course that caters to that and work hard for it?
No. My stupid-little-questioning brain is telling myself I have no idea what I am actually capable of, no idea what actually interests me, and that I can't function as a normal human being let alone an ambitious one.
My brain secretly knows this is silly. But it's because I've been conditioned that I do it anyway so I avoid failure.
So you know what? Fuck failure. Fuck success, too. Fuck grade targets. Fuck comparing. Fuck what is socially acceptable and what is not.
Which ever way the boat sails, it's always going to be in the water. It's always going to moving with the current - even if only by a little bit. And that's what's mast important.
Music for this blogpost
We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed - Los Campesinos
Failure - Laura Marling
Squares - Stepdad
Everything Turns Gold - George Watsky
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