Abandoment: The Saga

I always find myself abandoning this blogspot.

So,  I didn't finish my Blog Every Day In June experiment. I am consistently inconsistent.

 And to make up for it, now I'm going to write something whiny and self indulgent. Oh well.

I’ve realized things have changed in all waves of my life. And I know that change is just A Thing that happens. People change, seasons change, you change, life changes - and you just have to deal with it. It's the passage of time. 

And while I am getting better with this idea of change, I think I would be even more equipped if I wasn't just on the edge of everything. I’m always on the edge. Of friendship groups, social events, ideas, identity - I’ve never  really been a full person.

 Every year I come close to feeling full. Every year I come close to saying, ”hey that person is me! That is Lucy Howell. I can breathe now”’ But then something changes and I am back to square one, back to the edge.

I hate those days when thoughts just seem endless. Not endless in the way that they are endlessly spouting creative and interesting things, but endless in the fact they just don't leave your mind, and you find yourself drowning in a pool semi-coherent worrying thoughts that shouldn't even matter.

I worry that the English language simply does not have enough words to describe things. Like nostalgia for the future. What the hell is the word for that? Or the sinking feeling you get after drinking wine - not even the slightest clue. There probably isn't one, because words like drunk suffice, and nor does one really need a word  for that, but it worries me nevertheless that we have all these thoughts and feelings and we can't condense them to one word, we can't define them properly.

I worry about all the forgotten thoughts people have and all that lost potential. Those real meaningful ones you get in the shower or just before you fall asleep - What if someone had such a life changing idea that could change the way we live our lives forever, but they just simply forgot it because it wasn’t the right time of day to write it down?

I worry that I never make enough sense for other people to think ”Hey, I think that too!” And that really isn’t something you should be striking to achieve but let’s face it, nothing makes us feel better then when our own thoughts correlate with others and people appreciate us for thinking them. 

I also worry that I may be going slightly deaf, but that’s not really a pressing matter is it?