It's the year that does the defining

I am going to try not sound soul searchy and ridiculous in this blog-post but you have to promise me you will forgive me if I do.

Okay? 

Okay.

I'm just going to write and see where that takes me. If it comes out super soppy and a complete waterfall of conscious then so be it!

Lately I've been reflecting about decisions I have made this year. I've also reflected very much on the decisions I didn't make. It's very easy to state whether the decisions you've made are good or bad - you made them, you get the outcome, you feel the trail left behind the outcome, you move on.

Mulling over the Road Not Taken, the things-you-didn't-do-but-could-have-done, is very much different. You can't say whether they are good or bad because you don't know, they didn't happen, so that judgement  just can't be made.

It's very much safe to say that 2012 was The Year That Either Did The Defining Or Didn't. It could have gone either way for me. I knew from the beginning it was either going to be the year I am nostalgic for, or the year I wished never existed. I could have failed my exams, I could have moved schools, moved friendship groups, rejuvenated my life goals, dyed my hair, changed my name, etc but I didn't. They are the roads I didn't follow but mulled about throughout the year, ( okay maybe not changing my name. That's what starbucks cups are for, right?) and am still mulling about now.

I am still worried that the A level subjects I chose to study were too limited.

I am still worried that I didn't bother to make any new friends. (and now I'm worrying that I'm losing my old ones).

I am still worried that my life goals will always just be life goals, not anything I'll get to achieve.

I am not so much worried about my hair, but I do want to rogue my hair really badly. 

It's funny how you think that in later months the worrying will phase out and leave you even though, really, deep down, you know it won't. It only gets bigger, and at some points, more apparent and scarier. Your grow older and the cloud of doubt hangs over you getting larger and larger, scaring you more and more. The problem with this cloud is not just how much in doubt you are of it's permanency, it's also how much it blurs the good decisions you make.

Yes I am still worrying about the same things.

 But there have been so many things this year that were defining. 

And I did that defining, I made it happen. Me.

 There will always be that thick cloud of doubt hanging over you, and me, and everyone else. There will always be paths you do not cross, moments you wish happened but didn't.

But there also will be moments of adventure and  triumph and we will continue to dream, stretch and grow. There will be the times where you sit back and think ''I am so glad I am here, I am the person that I am, I have the people that I have and I do the things that I do.''