''I'm back!'' she cried, as alas, they reached the shore.

I'm sorry for the abandonment blogspot. Shhh, blogspot. It will be better now. I'm here. Everything is OK.

There are plethora of different reasons as to why I've not had the time to write blogs - mostly, it comes down to it being exam season.  I finished my first year of sixthform last week and now, in a burst of inspiration, I'm finally going back to the things I did before exams had a hold of my life.

 It's a weird feeling when you finish exams. While you're going through them, your only motivation to soldier through is that you know it's not a permanent time period in your life. When they are over, you don't have to think about anything that comes alongside with them. You don't need to look at revision guides, or time tables, or sticky notes  - you free yourself from the mantra of 'eat, sleep, and breathe revision.' It's actually kinda funny how much you crave to get to that stage where you are no longer programming your mind for a two hour paper.

Then, when you get to that sweet-no-exam-worry time period in your life, it's just like - well, ok. But what the hell do I do now?

Exams are a rocky road for me, and always have been. I've always hated them, particularly the impact they have on my mindset. Although I'm fully aware that they don't decipher your worth as a person, I find myself being paralysed by the cloud of self-deprecation over my inability to complete exams. To put it simply, I hate when I cannot do things that other people my age can do, and I hate when I cannot do things to the best of my abilities. It's an especially dumb and immature mindset of mine when you consider that A) Other people's abilities are not your own, nor will they ever be your own (funny, isn't it? how we all have different  brains and stuff. Kinda freaky) and, B) what you think is the best of your abilities often clouds over your actual abilities, this being  due to a combination of pride, arrogance, and pressure from others. It's awful when you're sitting in a class with people who all seem to have this easy ability to conform their learning to what the teacher wants. In my Drama class, for example, the teacher set on average around three essays a week. Now - without trying to sound braggy - Drama is a subject I've prized myself on. It's something I've had devout passion and dedication to throughout my years in education, whether that being due to projects,  classwork, or school productions, it's just been a huge part of my life.

 However, even with this dedication - on average, I did one essay, like, every two weeks. When you have all this built up dedication to something, and then it ends up that actually, your dedication is kinda inadequate - it really, really sucks. The thing which you have been priding yourself on then becomes something which you feel bad about it. An then, naturally, you start to compare. And, also, the pride comes tumbling in.  Why do I suck so much when the other people around me don't? What do they have which is so much better?  One of my close peers is someone who is really good at completing classwork. She does it on time, to a good standard, completes it with a plan - files it away in her folder after the teacher's marked it. Not only did I find myself comparing my inadequateness to her capabilities, but I found myself slightly hating her for it. This is a unhealthy mindset I adopt, unwillingly, due to exams.

So, how do you stop yourself from going into a bad mindset, I hear you ask, and  also not let things get to you?

To be perfectly honest, I'm not so sure. You've just got to remember that your abilities can cater elsewhere. You may not be able to churn out a mass amount of essays per weeks, but hey, you can preform a sweet piece of theatre - or  devise an awesome set of workshops. Am I using Theatre Studies as analogy to self motivation? You bet yo' ass I am.